A Simple Case of Stupidity And Then Some
by Desann4
Summary: In a life where terror strikes, leave it to the S.T.A.R.S. team to save your lazy asses. But when it comes to chilling and goofing around, they could accidentally plug a cannon up your ass instead. Watch their antics and feel better about yourself. R&R .
1. The First of Many

**A Simple Case of Stupidity, and then some.**

**Greetings! This is technically **_**my**_** first fic since my younger brother gave his profile to me (Something about not getting reviews and what-not.). Too me, it isn't the reviews, just as long as someone reads it, should it be fine. Now, on with the show.**

_Jill's House… 8:30 P.M… __Friday__ Night…_

The gang was sitting inside Jill's house, her living room to be specific. Since her father was a thief, they weren't surprised by the quality of items, and her items, to be any less. She had a huge, 35-Inch HD TV, and a couch long enough to sit around twenty people. She had two, finely crafted single chairs to the left and right of the couch, and a fine glass table. The rug was made of leather, and the pillow cases for the chairs were made by, probably, satin. Chris sat on the single chair to the right, with Leon, Claire, Barry, Carlos, Sherry, Billy, and Rebecca sitting on the couch. Rushing footsteps were then heard as Jill rushed down the stairs and turned the corner to see the gang there. "Whoa, what're you guys doing here? She asked in surprise. "It's Friday Jill, gaming night" said Chris as Billy nodded in excitement. She then looked at her watch which also kept track of the day and held her hands up in defeat.

"Alright, I guess you're right" she said as she walked over to the base of her TV and activated the Xbox 360 console. "I got dibs on player 1!" said Chris as Leon brought his head back. "Damn it Chris, you're always player 1" he said. "Well I bought Jill the console for her birthday" he said. "Well that technically means it mine doesn't it?" she said. "She's got a point Chris" said Barry. "Fine!" he said as he threw the controller to Jill, Carlos grabbing the second. Leon grabbed the third, and Rebecca the fourth. "Alright, what game should we play first?" asked Jill. "DOA4" said Carlos. "Rainbow Six: Vegas!" shouted Leon. "F.E.A.R." muttered Rebecca. "What about Splinter Cell?" asked Jill? "Sounds fine to me" said the rest as she placed the CD in and pressed the video button on the TV's remote. As the game loaded, she selected the Multiplayer option. After they picked their sides and map, the game began. "Ha-ha, you can't possible dream of hitting me" said Leon as he was shot from the back. "That was a cheap shot!" he announced before continuing.

Just then, the bell to Jill's house rang. "Someone open the door" said Jill as Barry looked at Chris. "You heard her Chris, check the door" he said as Chris started bitching. "You want a banana up your ass?" he asked as Chris quickly got up and ran to the door. "Works every time" said Barry with a chuckle before looking at the current game going on.

Chris walked towards the door before opening it, revealing none other then Albert Wesker holding a piece of paper. "Good evening sir or madam, I am collecting signs to legalize Medicinal Marijuana and I was wondering if you would wish to sign?" he asked. "What the fuck are you doing" asked Chris as Wesker looked up to see his nemesis. "Chris Redfield, getting fatter are we?" he said. "What? I'm not getting-" he said as he looked down, but Wesker slapped Chris upside the head. "Who was it?" asked Sherry. "Wesker" he said as they all laughed. "Yeah right, who is it?" they asked once more. "I'm not kidding, look for yourselves!" he said as he stepped out of the way, revealing their old nemesis. "Wesker!" said Leon as Jill paused the game and they all got up, grabbing pointy sticks and torches. "What do you want Wesker?" asked Barry. "Geez, all I need are a couple of signs and you treat me with pointy sticks and torches, how unmannerly" he said. "What signs?" asked Carlos. "To legalize Medicinal Marijuana" he replied. "Sure, why not?" said Carlos as he signed it. "I guess" said Barry as they all proceeded to sign it. After they were all done, Wesker flashed a smile before turning around.

"Somebody pinch me" said Chris as Claire grabbed his nipple through his shirt and twisted. "Yeoch!" Chris yelped as he pushed Claire off and opened his shirt. There was his nipple, shaded in purple. "Thanks a lot Claire" he said with a frown before going back to his seat. "I don't know what's scarier, Wesker coming here without the intention to kill, or the fact he can actually smile." said Claire as they all proceeded back to the game.

_Two Hours Later…_

Sherry, Barry, Carlos, Rebecca and Billy had already left. It was now only Chris, Claire, Leon and Jill in the room. House to be more specific. They were in the middle of a Gears Of War match. Somehow, it was only those four who were the people most likely to stay up an entire night playing nothing but video-games, addicts if you wish. "Damn Leon, I said don't use the Bow!" Chris complained as Leon shot hm. "It's not my fault you suck tonight" he said as they continued playing. "At least I wasn't killed by a girl!" said Chris as Claire managed to kill Leon with the Hammer of Dawn weapon. "Really? Check the screen." he said as he saw Jill hit him with the chainsaw melee, a one hitter. "Alright, seeing as how me and Chris were dead, we'll go to the Ratty O' Brien's and grab some pizza, then head on over to 7/11 to grab some booze. Come on" said Leon as he and Chris got up and out.

_Ratty O' Brien's drive-thru…_

"Come on, move it" said Chris, sitting shotgun. Apparently, some idiot was holding up a line. God, how long does it take to order a fucking pizza, in a fast food joint nonetheless?

_Meanwhile…_

"Hmm, I'll have a- no no." said the driver of the car ahead. "Maybe a- no, not cheesy enough" he said once more. "Sir, will you just please take an order?! You're forming a line" said the squeaky-voiced teenager through the window. "Maybe a- no." said the driver once more. "We'll have two Cheese Pizzas, one Pepperoni, four Meatball subs, eight Cokes, and two Double Burgers" said the man in the shotgun seat. "Geez Birkin, how do you think we pay for all that?" asked Wesker as he looked to the left where the mild-mannered scientist William Birkin sat. "Dude, we run Umbrella. We have an almost unlimited supply of funds. Why not waste some on fast-foods for once?" he asked. "Because I'd rather dine in style, not some third-rate pizza palace in the middle of nowhere." he replied. "We're just two blocks away. How can this be nowhere?" he asked. "Gah, never mind" he said as he gave the money and took the food before going.

_Back with Leon and Chris…_

Chris, getting fed up with waiting, got out his PSP and started playing Silent Hill: Origins on it. Apparently, he wasn't one to wait. Not that much of a surprise. "Finally" muttered Leon as he went to forward. "We'll have to cheese pizzas please" he said as he gave the money. After around a minute, the teen came back with two boxes. "Here you go sir, enjoy" said the teen as they drove off. "Come on, we still need to go get some beer" said Leon as Chris put his PSP in his pocket and leaned back.

_7/11__…_

Chris and Leon were standing by the drinks section and opened the freezer door only to discover there were no cans of beer left. "Great, what do we do?" Chris asked. "I don't know, but I think we should just get so—" said Leon as he was interrupted by Chris. "Wesker's got the last can!" he pointed out. And when Leon turned around, he was right. Wesker was buying the last cans.

**Chapter 1 peoples. Will Chris and Leon ever get, or even find another source of beer? Have Jill and Claire already killed each other. Or is this all just a scheme by Wesker. Who knows? Tune in next time for another episode.**


	2. Intelligence is a gift

**Prolonged Exposure may lead to trauma attacks.**

**This is my second chapter of the story. I have to thank SaberTooth and Wolf for the comment they gave. But don't let me intrude, on with the show!**

_7/11…_

Leon gasped in horror as Chris wanted to puke. There, stood Wesker buying the last six pack of beer. "How can someone be so cruel!" said Leon as he collapsed to the floor. Just then, a circular object hit him right in the back of the head, causing the contents of the object to empty. He then slumped down, obviously, his skull had been cracked. "Leon, noooooo!" shouted Chris, however, nobody noticed him. Just then, a man bumped into Chris. It seems that he was holding a globe in his hand. "Oi, Leon! Small world eh?" he said as he showed the globe. No response came from our dead friend, however. "Who are you?" Chris asked. "Me amo Lu—" said the man but was interrupted. "Yeah yeah, whatever. Listen, we need some Band-Aids. Can you get one? Here's some cash" he said. "Alright. Just stay right there" said the man as he walked away. Just then, Leon's body disappeared and he suddenly appeared behind Chris, flashing. "Whoa, I thought you were dead!?" asked Chris. "Apparently, I as asked if I wanted to "try again", the hell does that mean?" he said.

"Ey guys, here's the band aids you asked for" said Luis as he came back. "Alright thanks, but where's the change?" Chris asked. "You asked for Band-Aid brand band aids. Those things are eight dollars a pack" said Luis. Chris, shocked by this, fell on his knees and looked up. "WHY!" he shouted. Just then, a hulking man who was around 8 feet in height walked in, grabbing a shopping cart. He walked over to the drink isle and tried to open the fridge door, pulling it out instead. "S.T.A.R.S.!" it roared as it grabbed a can of Mountain Dew. "S.T.A.R.S.!" it roared once more before walking over to the counter, grabbing Wesker's head and throwing him back at the soda section. "S.T.A.R.S." said the man as it reached for its pocket to reveal and white and green walled with the number '3' engraved on it. "S.T.A.R.S." it said as it grabbed the soda and the change and turned around. It smirked as it looked at its new refreshment, Mountain Dew Game Fuel. Those fuckers that sniped him while he was playing would soon pay!

"Chris, Leon, surprise to see you two misfits here" said Wesker as he got up, not showing any signs of agony from that throw. "What do you want Wesker?" asked Chris. "The beer I have just bought now will help me conquer the world, via a game of Beer Bowling" he said as Chris started laughing. "You're senile Wesker" he just said. "At least we all know beer can't stab me through the chest" he said. But just then, the beer started moving around until it formed a creature composed of cans and what-not. It roared before cutting part of its right hand, revealing the un-clean cut marks left. He then pulled back before it tried to stab Wesker, who saw this and did a back flip. However, he landed on his toes so a slight crack could be heard. "My toes! My beautiful toes!" he cried in woe as he fell down, clutching his shoes. Chris and Leon ignored this as the beer monster went back into beers and grabbed the parts that haven't been cut. But since Wesker already bought it, they could just walk out.

As they did, they looked to their left where their car was parked to see a tall man with long hair and a man shorter then the first with a cap and trench coat. "Hey you little fuckers, mind giving us some cash? We ran out of Chronic last week, now we standing here asking for some more" he said, "Ain't that right Silent Bob?" he asked as he slapped the second man who just nodded. "Well yeah, sure here" he said as he gave Jay ten dollars. "Right man, you're the bomb. You wanna know something? One time, me and Silent Bob were cruising for chicks till the point that he got so desperate, he tied a rope around his waist and busted into this woman's changing room, right through the fucking wall!" said the man. "Right" said Leon as the two backed away slowly.

"Hold it right there, that beer belongs to us!" said Birkin as he and Wesker stood in the middle of the parking lot. "What're you gonna do about it?" asked Chris. "This" said Birkin as his head moved to the back. His left arm twisted upwards before his chest opened, revealing some organic equipment. It moved out before forming into his right hand. He then jumped into the air, twisting his feet as he landed back. The mechanical eye opened on the brown part on his right arm, causing Chris to look in shock. "Shit!" he said as he started moving back. Just then, a yellow Chevy Camaro drove into scene before transforming into a metal creature. It kicked Birkin through the chest before transforming its right hand into a cannon and shooting at Birkin. "Thanks Bumblebee!" said Leon as the watched the sight. "Don't thank me, thank Mountain Dew Game Fuel. With it, my accuracy has gone up the charts! Do the dew!" shouted Bumblebee as he transformed and drove off. "That was a sight" said Leon as they got in the car and drove off as well.

_Jill's House…_

"Man, what's taking those two?" asked Claire as she watched Jill play Halo 3. Apparently, she was sniped from behind by a username named S.T.A.R.S.Kill and Hutch, could be anybody. Just then, Leon and Chris walked through the door. Jill then got up as the game time ran up and ran towards Leon, placing her palm on his face and pushing him away before grabbing the bag he was holding. "Great success eh?" asked Chris. "All in all, yeah" replied Jill as she walked back to the table and placed the beer there. Chris then placed the pizza next to it. As the game started, they watched as Jill managed to shoot someone called "The Birkinator" to death, only to be hit in the back by S.T.A.R.S.Kill and Hutch. Who was then clubbed to death with the Gravity Hammer weapon by Umbrella Shall Fall!!!!1!. Whoever these guys were, they didn't know. This was pretty stupid, since the names were pretty obvious. They checked the time and saw it to be 1:47 A.M. in the morning, but they weren't sleepy at all. Just then, the bell rang. Claire ran to the door and opened it to reveal a man wearing green armor. "Do the dew, with Mountain Dew Game—" said the man but couldn't finish as Claire slammed the door. "Who was it?" asked Leon. "The Master Chief!" said Claire. "Why didn't you let him in?" asked Chris. "He was advertising some shit drink" she replied. "It's not made of shit, just horse piss!" he said through the door.

_Across The Street…_

"Damn it, who was that! I was on a roll and some guy spoofing a movie killed me. What gives?" asked William Birkin as he talked to his colleague, Albert Wesker. "You haven't drank enough—" said Wesker. "Oh shut up with that crap" said Birkin as they continued playing.

_One House To The left…_

"S.T.A.R.S." said Nemesis as it grabbed its soda and drank it all down, container included. "S.T.A.R.S.!" it shouted before laughing at the sight of a guy being ran over by the mobile base, which was pretty funny to him. How it could play Halo 3 and not crush the controller however, is beyond me.

_Wesker's House…_

"Cheap shot!" said Wesker through his speakers as he was hit from behind by S.T.A.R.S.Kill and Hutch. That player was on a roll. Just then, a taxi ominously rolled through the street, stopping by Wesker's house. Its license plate read 'Fresh' and it had dice on the mirror. Yes, soon, Wesker would reclaim his rightful throne as the Prince of Bel-Air. Just then, a man stepped out of the car dressed in white robes. He walked to Wesker's house before opening the door. "Oh no, it's!" pointed out Birkin. "James Marcus! And he has a sponge!" screamed Wesker as the two started screaming.

**Oh no! It's James Marcus out for revenge, with the unholy might of sponge! How can he be stopped? Nobody knows. Will Jill and co. ever discover S.T.A.R.S.Kill and Hutch's true identity, tune in next time to find out!**


	3. Lolz, i is teh 133t 1!

**Formality of Normality, albeit with a twist ending.**

**The moment for chapter 3 to arise is here. Fear it, for it shall dominate you. You won't know when, but you will know how as soon as you feel an aching pain in you ass. Heh, on with the story.**

**SaberTooth and Wolf: Thanks again for the review. I look forward to the next chapter of your second story as well.**

_The next day…._

Jill, Chris, Claire and Leon were all tired due to lack of sleep. It wasn't their playing games though. You see, they decided to turn in at around 4:21 A.M. but were kept away due to screeching noises coming from the house across the street. Wait, what did happen there…?

_The night before, Wesker's house…_

Wesker and Birkin screamed in horror as James Marcus busted in their house with a sponge. It was the worst weapon he had ever seen. And it wasn't even infected with any sort of spore or what-not. "I have come to take my revenge on Umbrella!" he said as he grabbed a Spork from his back pocket and held both items up. "Now. Prepare. For. A. World. Of. Pain!" he shouted as he jumped for Wesker. Luckily, Wesker was standing by a door and jumped out of the way, causing Marcus to crash through. "Stand still!" he said as he withdrew his right arm before throwing the sponge. Birkin ducked out of the way as it landed in the wall and exploded, sending him back. "Mwuhaha! No one shall stop me now! When both of you are at my mercy!" he said. Just then, Birkin got up with a knife and started stabbing Marcus, which was no use. "I'm invulnerable! What hope can you give with a knife?" he said. Just then, Wesker clubbed him in the back with a muffin, causing him to fall down. "How'd you do that!?" asked Birkin. "I don't know, I just saw a muffin in my pocket and felt like clubbing him with it. He said. Marcus' body disappeared, causing him to reappear by the doorway blinking. "Oh shit, he's back!" said Wesker as Birkin threw the muffin at him, causing him to laugh.

"Fool me once, good for you. Fool me twice, shame on you!" said Marcus as he ran towards them. "That's not how it goes!" shouted Birkin as he jumped back. Wesker jumped over Marcus before landing and turning around. "Stay back, I know kung-fu!" said Wesker as he did some sort of retarded stance. He was standing on his heels with his right arm on his crotch and his left on below his armpit. His left foot was behind him touching his back. "What the--?" asked Marcus as Wesker ran at him and slid. He raised his foot up, aiming for Marcus' chest, but as he got there, he lowered it. Now under Marcus' legs, he grabbed Marcus' nether-region and squeezed before pulling, causing the leech man thing-y to screech in pain. "You shall pay for that!" he said as he jumped up into the air. His torso twisted behind him before he unhinged his jaw. He then let out a wire with a lump attached to it which opened up, leading its contents to his body. It surrounded his body before it was wholly covered, save for the head. He then let his head down to his back before a new head came up. "Now, face the wrath of the Queen Leech!" he shouted as he raised his arms into the air, and kicked Wesker and Birkin out of their home.

Now outside, Marcus jumped into the air and went down, slamming his fist into the ground. However, it got tangled with a telephone wire so when he tried to pull, he got shocked. As he got up, ready to finish the two, a red and blue truck came into scene before ramming into Marcus' legs, causing him to fall down. Just then, it transformed into the robot Optimus Prime and punched Marcus in the jaw. Wesker and Birkin just watched on, awestruck. "That's the second time that's happened today, albeit with a different robot" said Birkin. "Their Transformers you prick" said Wesker as Birkin looked at him. "You watch kiddy cartoons?" he asked. "It's not kiddy," said Wesker, "And yes, yes I do" he said as they continued watching. "It has to end here Megatron!" said the robot as it kicked him in the head. "I'm not Megatron!" he said as he covered himself, continuously being kicked by Optimus Prime. "You can't fool me this time brother!" said Optimus once more before grabbing Marcus and throwing him into the air. He then caught him with his right hand before punching him smack in the head. Now unconscious, Optimus threw the knocked out Marcus down the street. An explosion there soon occurred.

"How'd that happen, Marcus was organic?" asked Birkin. "I don't really know" he said as they both walked in. As they proceeded to close their door, a foot stopped it. "What the--?" asked Wesker as the door opened, revealing the same chainsaw maniac from Biohazard 4. "Isn't that the freak from Biohazard 4?" asked Wesker. I just said that, but wait, they can't hear me now can they? "Yeah!" replied Birkin as he ran away like a pansy. "Pansy!" he shouted as he went back to his retarded stance. He ducked down from the initial blow before kicking the man in the balls. He then grabbed the paper bag and pulled, revealing it to be Osmund Saddler. "Wait, that's not right" he said as he grabbed the man's hair and pulled, revealing Brian Irons. "Not right" he said as he grabbed the hair and pulled. As the face was revealed, he walked back in shock, eye starting to twitch. It was none other then Alfred Ashford. As he let out a girly laugh, Wesker dropped to the floor, unconscious.

_End flashback…_

As they walked out, they saw Albert Wesker driving down the street, parking in front of his house. "Hey Wesker, what're you doing there?" Chris asked as he walked outside. "I live here?" he said sarcastically as he opened his house door which just fell down. Just then, the taxi came down the street once more. What does the Prince of Bel-Air want with him anyway? Then out came Marcus once more, albeit charred from the explosion. "Wait Wesker, we're not through yet" he said as he walked over to Wesker's lawn. "What, being kicked by a giant robot in the street not enough for you?" he said. "How dare you!" he said as he clenched his fist and grabbed another sponge. Just then, out came the chainsaw maniac again, using a bed sheet as a mask. "Well, I have the ultimate weapon!" said Wesker as he jumped behind the chainsaw maniac and pulled the sheet, revealing Alfred Ashford once more. He then grabbed him by the hair and threw him towards Marcus, who had no time to dodge as the man landed on him, and started licking him. "Get him off me!" said Marcus as his attempts at breaking free were futile. Just then, a UFO came out of nowhere and let down a green beam, bringing down a figure. He was wearing camouflaged pants and had a tight black shirt. To top it all off, he was wearing a slightly tilted red beret.

"Thanks guys!" he said as he waved at the UFO which left. "Krauser?!" said Leon as he grabbed a knife from his pocket and ran at him. "So predictable" said Krauser as he drew a frying pan from his knife holster and pointed it at Leon. "Prepare to die comrade!" he said as he ran. Just then, a surge of electricity filled the streets, and out came a bald man wearing a uniform with the Soviet flag on it. "Someone called me?" he asked. "Oh shit, it's Volgin!" said Chris as he ran inside. "Wrong game series" said Wesker as the man looked around before jumping out of sight. "What was that about?" asked Claire as she noticed Chris cowering behind a fire hydrant. Just then, a dog came near it and reared its leg up, causing Chris to scream even more as the dog started peeing on him.

**That's chapter three people. I don't really think its funny, but I promise to make the next chapter funny as hell. Or at least, funny. Tune in next him for the fourth episode of the show! R&R.**


	4. It's game time!

**One unnatural game of tag.**

**The dawn to the new era is here: with the new Halo 3 Scrub Brush, your kitchen shall smell like roses! Never mind that, here is chapter four people.**

**SaberTooth and Wolf: Thanks once more for the review. And glad you found it funny.**

_The Streets…_

Chris stood there, soaked in dog piss as he started running in circles. Apparently, he was allergic to anything green, which was obviously a lie, since he was standing on grass. Now, let's move on to the others shall we? Leon and Krauser were locked dead-on in the street in their pan-to-knife fight. It was pretty intense, especially how Krauser could fit an entire frying pan in a knife holster. He pushed Krauser off his feet before punching him into a manhole, sending him down. However, it was pretty creepy since he was still screaming and no thud could actually be heard. What was that, a bottomless pit? Just then, the entire street flashed and as the light dissipated, Krauser stood there, frying pan in hand. Then, the words 'Round 2' appeared in the sky out of nowhere. As the two interlocked kitchen utensils once more, the rest were still in a heated argument.

"How can you even live here?" asked Claire in disgust. "Duh! I bought the house!" Wesker replied as Birkin gave a slight nod. "Well thanks to you, we couldn't get any sleep at all" she replied. "Thanks to me? Thank Marcus, he was the one that kept me and Birkin up all night!" he replied. Just then, a white cone like figure covered in blood flew through the air, attaching itself to Wesker's cheek. Intrigued by this, he grabbed it and looked at it. Being the T-Virus infected junkie he was, he started to lick the blood off the cone when a boy shouted in the distance. "Tampon tag!". Wesker widened his eyes before spitting out the contents and puking all over the floor. It seemed that a bunch of misfits were playing a strange variation of tag, albeit using a device used to stop the menstrual cycle, or whatever it was girls have.

Chris started laughing at this till Wesker flung the tampon into Chris' open mouth, who started chocking before spitting it out. It flew through the air, landing in between Jill's breasts, who screamed in horror as the used tampon was now technically residing right next to her. Let's look back at the knife fight shall we? Leon and Krauser stood atop one of the house with the backdrop surrounded in flames. How this happened in a matter of three minutes? Nobody knows. "This ends here comrade" said Krauser, the voice not in tune with his mouth. "You were once an honorable warrior Krauser, what happened to you?" asked Leon, voice not in tune as well. "I joined the dark-side for a month's supply of Klondike Bars and Hot Pockets." he said, voice not in tune once more. "You were not the warrior I once knew" Leon replied, you know the drill with his mouth.

Let's cut back to the rest, shall we? The streets were now filled with chaos. Cars were overturned in some areas, flames randomly burst from the ground, and lightning struck. Started, the grand war has. Chris and Claire were behind an overturned car, a pile of bloody tampons in front of them. Jill was on top of a tree with a turret made from cotton, sticks, and fire. She placed two more tampons in it before aiming at the mailbox Birkin was using for cover and fired, blowing it up in a hail of blood. Birkin got up since his cover was blown and started running, narrowly avoiding the bloody bullets coming at him. He then saw a fallen branch and jumped for it. He rolled and leaned on it. Why they didn't just aim for his back or head which was sticking out is a question even Wesker can't answer.

Birkin got a pistol from his pocket before placing a clip filled with 'things' and cocked it. He leaned out before shooting, getting Claire in the face, Chris in his crotch, and Jill in her eye. As he ran out into the open, obviously distracted, he was shot four times by Jill in the balls, causing him to clutch them in pain and fall down. "This game hurts!" he said as Claire and Chris got up with Assault Rifles loaded with 'things' and walked to Wesker. He then got up with a Missile Pod armed with oversized 'things' and aimed at the Redfields. He then fired, sending them back to the ground. "Just you and me now Valentine!" he said as he got up and aimed at the tree before firing. He saw her fall down next to the Redfields and smirked. He had won, but now was crying for the reason he didn't arm them with real missiles.

Back to Leon and Krauser. Leon now stood over Krauser's fallen body and closed his eyes. "You were a fine soldier Krauser, if only the dark hadn't corrupted you" he said, lips moving slower then the words. "Not yet comrade" replied Krauser as he kicked Leon square in the balls. He then got up and grabbed Leon's balls with his hand and squeezed before lifting him in the air through the balls. "Game over comrade!" he said, surprisingly in sync with his lips before throwing him down. As Leon was falling he turned in air and aimed his grappling gun at the roof and fired. As it hit the roof, it swung him over to a tree branch, causing more pain into his balls. As he slid down the tree, he landed on a knife, causing even more pain to his balls. Krauser started laughing when all of a sudden, a cat flew into the scene, ramming into his shin as it went. "Gah!" Krauser screamed as a circle appeared, similar to that of what hit Leon in 7/11, and hit him in the balls, sending him back. The contents of the circle were now flashing orange as Krauser got up.

He pointed his frying pan at the cat which went into a Karate stance. As Krauser lunged at the cat, it flipped into his back before break dancing, breaking a portion of Krauser's back, which caused him to fall. His health was at red now. As the cat went for the finishing blow, it stopped. In fact, everything stopped. Krauser then stood up, grabbing a First Aid Spray from his pockets and spraying it in his body. As he did, all of his wounds healed and the contents of the circle went back to green. Time continued once more. Krauser raised his arm up, forming it into the killer hand he had used in Spain. As he reared it back, the cat ran to him and jumped, biting into Krauser's balls, causing his health bar to go directly to zero. The cat jumped back before kicking Krauser in the face, sending him flying down.

He flew through the air before landing on a mail box, damaging his balls. He slid down only to land on a fallen bike's chain, which roared upon contact, grinding into his balls. As this happened, a small rip sound was heard. "Crap" Krauser muttered, voice higher then ever. But wait, what ever happened to Wesker? Let's find out. As Wesker armed his Missile Pod with real rockets, he was kicked in the back of his knee by Marcus, who had managed to scare away Alfred just by looking at him. He didn't mutate however, with a fear that the robot might come back once more. But hey, what were the chances? As he jumped into the air and transformed, the same truck appeared once more and transformed, jumping up and kicking Marcus down. "Autobots! Assemble and kick this Decepticunt to the ground!" he said.

Just then, a silver Pontiac Solstice, the Yellow Camaro from 7/11, a black GMC Top kick, and a yellow, ambulance H2 Hummer roared into the scene and all transformed in unison, gathering around Marcus' fallen body. "No wait!" he said as he was continuously kicked by these strange robots. "I'm not who you think I am!" he said as he was still being kicked. They stopped as Marcus sighed, only to scream as they all transformed their right hands into cannons and aimed at him. "Now guys..." he said as he was blasted by all robots. He was then picked up by the red and blue robot and thrown down the street once more, an explosion following soon after. As the robots transformed and rolled out, Wesker sighed and walked into his house. "This was a tiring day" he said as he opened the door, only to fall back down his porch, breaking his back in the process. "I regret nothing" he said as he trailed off.

**Read and review as usual people. I'm off, to my happy place to think off more spoofs and funny shit to add. But here's a tip for one of my spoofs in my next chapter. "Madness? This is !" I'm pretty sure we all know what that is now don't we? Of course we do.**


	5. Battle Mode: Engage

**The Battle has begun!**

**Don't get swayed away by the title of this chapter. Though there shall now be killing, war, battles…, mocking someone behind their back while they watch…. it shall still remain a humor fic. Keep reading.**

**suicycojr95****: Thanks for the review!**

_In a helicopter to an uninhabited town in Nevada…_

"How the hell did we get here?" asked Leon as he woke up, nearly falling from the open hatch. "That, I don't know" said Jill as she looked out. Apparently, there was a small portion of green in the ocean. She widened her eyes then looked at Chris who was coughing. "Shit!" she said as she jumped back into Claire's lap. "Wow Jill, I always knew you had a thing for my brother but for me? Wow!" Claire said. Jill then jumped, landing in front of Leon. "Keep trying" he said as she jumped back into a seat away from the others. "Here we are" said the pilot as they were dropped ten feet into the ground. Apparently, Chris had informed them that he accepted a mission where they would have to fight against Umbrella's soldiers. Just then, Carlos, Ada, and Billy appeared out of nowhere. "You guys with us?" asked Claire. "Yeah" replied Billy as they grouped up and walked towards the down…

_Somewhere in the town…_

"I don't know Wesker. What's the point of testing a new tyrant into a town without any organic opponents to fight?" asked James Marcus as he sat down a balcony in a gas station. "Keep steady soldiers, don't give up!" he said as he threw his fist into the air. "Like we have a plan to lose" said Birkin as he walked into the scene, holding a cigarette. "S.T.A.R.S.!" screamed the Nemesis. It was this close to beating Halo 3 but he was pulled away by Wesker to participate with Umbrella just because he had a past with them. "You're just lucky you have me here, without my excellent leadership skills, you would've all just died" said Alexia sitting on a foldable chair by a gas tank. "Hey, I'm the leader here!" said Wesker as HUNK and Krauser walked into the scene. "The city is clear, why'd we go scouting even if you know the damn city is empty?!" asked Krauser as HUNK just took a seat and started levitating in mid-air. "And what the hell is that?" asked Krauser as he pointed at his floating friend.

_Back to team good guys…_

Leon was crouching down by a door, shooting at it with Ada standing by him. "Keep shooting! This door might break any time!" she said. "I've been doing this for an entire hour!" he complained. "Yeah, but you have tons of ammo! Haven't you played the game based on our crazy little escapade in Spain?" asked Ada. "No, I believe I haven't" he replied. "Then you're missing out" she said. "Yeah yeah" said Chris as he walked in, "My game is WAY better" he said. "Yeah right Chris!" Jill said leaning on a wall. "You cried for an entire hour just because of the Cerberus that jumped through the window. "I was eight!" Chris replied. "We played this five years ago, in 2002. You weren't eight" she replied. "Well, I had something in my eye!" he said as he barged away, causing all of them to laugh. "Keep shooting" shouted Ada as Leon heard a click. "Well, looks like I'm out!" he said. She then grabbed his back pocket and pulled out another clip. "Silly me" he said as he reloaded and started shooting.

_Back to team Umbrella…_

Wesker stood as HUNK and Krauser both came from another patrol, obviously having news. "You have news?" asked Wesker. "Obviously…" muttered Krauser. "We found Chris and his gang not far away" said Krauser. "Yeah right, any factual reports?" he asked. "We found Chris' group not far away" said HUNK. "Good work HUNK!" replied Wesker, "Here, have a Gold Star!" he said as he pinned one on his shirt. HUNK gave a salute before walking away. "It is a great honor to be working for the great and mighty Albert Wesker!" he said. "Suck up!" muttered Krauser. "Alright ladies listen up! HUNK has reported Chris nearby! Get on the Hummer and gear up, we're going to give them a sneak attack. "Isn't the Hummer noisy?" asked Krauser. "Nonsense" said Wesker. "Whatever" he said as they all grabbed a Beretta M92FS pistol. Their main firearms differed though. Alexia had a Springfield rifle, obviously contraband. Marcus had a Steyr AUG. HUNK grabbed a custom Steyr TMP. Krauser grabbed a DAO-10 Striker which was swiped by Wesker.

"Only I get to use the shotgun!" he said as he kicked Krauser in the balls and walked to the car. Nemesis grabbed a Stinger rocket and went on top of the car, obviously acting as a turret. Birkin grabbed an H&K MP7. Krauser just spat on the ground, which landed on his shoe, and grabbed his crappy Bow-N-Arrow. Birkin was driving, with Wesker on shotgun. Alexia was in the back along with Marcus, guns sticking out of their open windows. Nemesis was standing on the car and Krauser was in the trunk, waiting to be opened. "Let's go ladies!" said Wesker as he popped a CD in the stereo, playing the Numa Numa song out loud at full blast, even attaching extra speakers to increase the volume. Birkin then started the car and turned around, jumping on a ramp and landing on the roof. He drifted to the left and jumped over to another roof before jumping to yet another. With all these noises, they were obviously going to attract attention.

_With Chris' group…_

"You hear something?" asked Leon as he looked up. "No, now pucker up" said Ada as she grabbed Leon's collar and pulled him down.

_Wesker's Hummer…_

"You think they heard us?" asked Wesker. "Nope" said Birkin as he drove over the edge, surprising the entire group of Chris.

_Chris' Group's Base…_

Couldn't they've heard the loud noises? I guess now. "Surrender now Cock bites!" said Wesker as they all jumped out of the car, save Nemesis, and cocked their guns. "Wesker!" shouted Chris as he whistled. He was armed with a Beretta Cx4 Storm. Claire had two Beretta 93Rs. Leon had a Colt M-4, as did Carlos. Ada drew out a Steyr TMP while Billy drew out his Colt Single Action Army. Jill ran onto scene with a Thompson M1A1. How she had gotten it, I do not know. "It's game time!" Wesker shouted as he cocked his gun and fired. Chris had fired the same time and they were both hit in the chest. However, their bullet proof vests saved them. Claire started firing at Birkin while he returned fire, both standing in the same spot. Leon and Carlos were both preoccupied with Nemesis who was firing wherever he saw something move. Alexia and Marcus were fighting Jill and Billy, while HUNK and Ada stood in front of each other hitting each other with the butts of their guns. It was total mayhem.

Chris managed to shoot Wesker in the head, killing him. As he ran to his body and started doing preposterous acts to his face, Wesker reappeared behind Chris, flashing. He cocked his shotgun as Chris turned around only to be hit directly in the face, knocking him out. "Take that cockbite!" said Wesker as he walked over Chris' body and started pumping rounds into him. Birkin had managed to sneak up to Claire, but anticipating this, turned around and brought her fist to his balls. At the same time, Birkin had punched her straight in the face, both falling down unconscious. As Leon and Carlos distracted the Nemesis, Carlos shot into the hatch of the Stinger, causing it to blow Nemesis into oblivion. As Nemesis' head dropped in front of them, he appeared on top of the roof the Hummer jumped off and aimed his rocket at the two, blowing _them_ into oblivion. They then botch reappeared flashing and started running, shooting at Nemesis.

Jill and Billy managed to shoot Alexia down, but were both easily crushed by Marcus' transformed form. As all three reappeared, Jill and Billy both shot Marcus where the sun don't shine, killing him as well. As he reappeared flashing, Wesker's group ran into the Hummer, obviously defeated. "You won this time Redfield, but we'll get you next time!" he said as they moved on. Unfortunately for Krauser, the trunk was never opened and he fainted from oxygen loss. "We've won!" shouted Chris as he ran into a wall.

_Wesker's Base…_

Wesker was now being watched by the entire squad as he confronted Krauser. "Where were you?" he asked. "I was in the trunk" he replied. "You coward" replied Wesker as he shot him in the head point blank with his DAO-10, incapacitating him. As he fell down, he shouted for Alexia. "Done with the jumper?" asked Wesker. "Yeah!" replied Alexia as she wheeled it in, dropping it on the ground. "Thank you" he said as he called all members of his squad to kick Krauser into the thing. They all gathered around him as they started kicking him until he reached the jumper and was propelled half-way through the city, landing in the city center.

_Chris' Base…_

The entire group saw Krauser's flying body and laughed. "That was hilarious!" said Jill as she fell down laughing. Leon tried to sneak a peek but was shot by Jill in the neck, incapacitating him. As he fell, Chris gathered them around. "Now that Wesker has that technology, we need something to even him" he said. "I've got something that might interest you, strangah!' said a man with a cockney accent as they looked to discover the Merchant! "How much?" asked Chris. "Five thousand dollars!" he replied. "Alright" he said as he paid, causing the man to pull a jumper out of his coat and drop it on their base. "It'll throw you thrice as far if you're dead, incapacitated, or unconscious" said the Merchant. "Thanks" replied Chris as the man walked away. "Oh well, let's continue trying to get this door open!" shouted Chris as Leon woke up and crouched at his same position before firing away.

**Well, whaddya think? Pretty funny eh? Don't worry, next chapter will really have the Sparta joke, I swear it. Now, as usual, review once more!**


	6. Filler

**Have a Filler Sandwich**

**I'm currently out of ideas here so I decided to just give you some filler. It's going to be random, and not going to include anyone currently in Nevada…**** Oh! And thanks again SaberTooth and Wolf for the review!**

_The bus station…_

Bruce McGivern, hero of Biohazard: Dead Aim, sat on a bench waiting for his train to arrive. He looked to his left and saw a very, very, very fat man wearing green and yellow tinted shades walk in. Reminding him of his battle with Umbrella, a nerve in his head snapped, causing him to get up and grab a shotgun out of nowhere. He walked towards the man before shooting him, killing the man. Even after he died, Bruce kept shooting him until he heard a click. "Take that Hunter!" he said as he started to kick the man. While watching this, one of them called 911, motioning the police to head to the station.

_Outside the station…_

A bunch of SWAT cars pulled over in front of the station. All the members stepped out armed with Benelli Super 90s, FN P90s, and Steyr AUGs. Amongst the other SWAT, came Kevin Ryman, Mark Wilkins, and Barry Burton. "Why am I here?" asked Kevin as he looked around and saw an old lady carrying a bag filled with keys. His eyes then shined with hope as he ran for them, scaring the old lady off. Mark was too depressed being fat when he saw Barry Burton and smiled. "We brothas gotta stick together, 4life, right homie?" asked Mark, tapping Barry in the back. "Uh, yeah…" said Barry as he slowly moved backwards. "Mr. McGivern, please step out of the station so we can arrest you… I mean give you free ice cream!" said a man through the megaphone.

"You'll never get me fuckers!" he shouted out as he threw his shotgun over his shoulder and drew out two Colt King Cobras. He shot the door open and started shooting at the cops, never really getting hurt by the shots. "Why isn't he even fazed!?" asked a cop as he got shot in the eye. "Two words, Action Replay!" shouted Bruce as he revealed a small disk lodged behind his body armor. He then aimed for Kevin who was standing still and shot, hitting the man in the neck. As he fell, a small circle appeared above his body and went up to 100, causing Kevin to rise. However, due to the lack of virus in the air, he was just reborn. "Whoa, what happened?" asked Kevin as he started running; however, he tripped, causing his gun to go off. The first show hit Barry in the buttocks, making four holes. The second went through his 'things', making him emit a high pitched scream.

The third went through another cop's magazine, causing his gun to go off on his car, causing it to explode. The explosion sent a piece of shrapnel to Bruce's CD behind him, and one by the gas tank of a nearby van. It was engulfed in flames, so the van blew up, landing on top of Mark. Mark's gun then went off, blowing on round into another car's wheel. The next lodged itself on a cop's shoe. The third went through a cop's shoulder, spraying blood all over Kevin. The fourth went through another cop's thumb, blowing it away and landing it on top of Barry. The fourth hit a bare-footed cop's big toe, propelling it into Bruce's laughing mouth, causing him to choke. He saw the try again screen but as he pressed it, he found himself locked up in a jail cell. "Shit" he said.

**Whaddya think? Pretty random with all those bullets right?**


	7. Bored Overtraumatic Wuss

**The B.O.W. (Bio-Orgasmic Wuss)**

**Chapter six is here. I couldn't update in a while since my computer fucked up. Yeah, so anyway, on with the show.**

Chris and Leon sat there with a box full of C4, hiding behind their so-called "man cannon". Chris grabbed the detonator and pressed the button. However, nothing happened. "Did something happen?" asked Leon, looking around. No, my dumb Capitalist dog, nothing happened. "No" Chris said, wondering if he had got the right detonator…

_1964, Russia…._

Naked Snake stood before the weakened Volgin with his M1911A1 pistol aimed at him. "Finish it!" said the Russian colonel as they heard the ground shake. "What the..?" said Snake as the facility blew up. Apparently, the bombs he got were aligned to a detonator bought by Chris in a 7/11.

_2007, Nevada…_

"Woah! Did you just experience that?" asked Leon, dazed as if he was in some sort of spectator view. "What was that?" asked Chris as he was kicking the door to where a man's balls would be. "What are you doing?!" asked Claire as she walked over to the two. "Move aside, citizen. This is dangerous work!" said Leon as he blocked her way. "Easy, I just need to get my….. 'necklace', yeah, that's it, my 'necklace'" she said laughing. "Okay…?" asked Leon nervously as he let her pass. She then opened the door by pulling it open, amazing the two men at the sight. "What a discovery!" screamed Chris in surprise. Never has he seen something magnificent as an ammo storage the size of four football fields. He walked in to see Claire clutching a necklace of what seemed to be made by oversized beads of some sort. He then looked west as if there were a camera there and shrugged; "I'm not sure, but I think that Claire is in some sort of cult that worships beads" he said. "Uh Chris? Don't you think she could just be mas—"said Leon. ", "Masterminding this entire cult, that's right!" he said, delusional.

_Red Ba--- I mean Wesker's base…_

Wesker stood in front of a tube containing a humanoid figure in it. Birkin walked over to him and patted him in the back. "Don't you think that we created a master piece this time?" asked Birkin as Wesker nodded. "Soon, it can be released" he said. However, Krauser was playing with their man cannon and flung himself over to the control console, activating the Tyrant. "Krauser, you moron!" said Wesker as an axe came from the tube, impaling him. "Fuck this" said Wesker as he slumped over. The rest of the tyrant stepped out to reveal a Zaku II from Gundam. It looked around with its mono-eye before it started talking. "God, this suit is hot!" he said as he dropped Wesker. "Oh fuck! A dead people!" screamed the robot as it started stepping on the body of Wesker who was groaning in pain. "See what you did Krauser!?" asked Birkin only to discover Krauser joining with the Zaku on stepping on their master. "Enough!" Wesker said as he jumped up, flinging the two to separate tables. "We have a plan. Zaku, we need you to eliminate Redfield. The rest will watch you" said Wesker. The Zaku just sighed before moving off. It, however, forgot its gun.

_Chris' base…_

Chris and the team were working on the man cannon when the Zaku jumped down from a roof. "Oh shit! A tiny giant robot!" screamed Leon like a sissy girl before running around in circles. "Must I baby-sit you for everything?" asked Ada with a sigh before grabbing Leon and flinging him to the Zaku who caught the man. As he turned Leon around to see his face as he scrapped his heart out, he screamed in horror. "Oh god! I have emo rabies!" said the Zaku as it started to run around as well. The rest of the team grabbed rocket launchers and shot it at the Zaku which did not damage it in the slightest way. "What the…?" said Jill as a light bulb appeared over Chris. He ran off screen before coming back in the costume of a Gundam. "Eat this!" he said as he grabbed a rock and threw it at the Zaku, causing it to fall down from shock. "Is that it?" asked Leon. "Imma one man wrecking crew!" he continued. "You fucker, you weren't even doing anything!" said Carlos. "So" replied Leon.

**That's chapter 6. Sorry for shortness, it's 3 A.M. and I have a slight Writers' Block. R&R.**


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